Beautiful Disaster
by immovinout
Summary: I... I know it's stupid... but... I just want my mum to love me. You... you know? Sirius stammered out, crying and clinging to his knees like it was his only life line.


A/N: Hey! So, Harry Potter people AREN'T mine. Nor is the song. That belongs to Kelly Clarksons 'people'. Anyways, it IS slash (of the Remus/Sirius verity if I remember rightly...) and it's kinda sad and kinda fluffy at the same time. -WARNING- Drinking. Okay, hope you enjoy. Review if you wish.

_He drowns in his dreams  
An exquisite extreme I know  
He's as damned as he seems  
And more heaven than a heart could hold  
And if I try to save him  
My whole world could cave in  
It just ain't right  
It just ain't right  
_

Sighing, Remus Lupin leaned back against his head board. After classes that day he hadn't thought he would get drunk with his best friend while the other two ran around trying to get Lily Evans to fall in love with James, but he did. Taking a slow sip out of his half empty second bottle of fire whiskey Remus closed his eyes.

"Moony, do you ever think about death?" Sirius asked from his place at the other end of Remus' bed. He nudged Remus' leg with his foot to be sure he had heard him.

"Yeah. Sometimes."

"What would you do if I died?"

"Everybody dies sometime Padfoot. It's inevitable." Remus replied opening his eyes to look at his friend.

Sirius chuckled. "Only you could use big words while drunk." He said, tipping back the last of his third bottle. Remus handed him another.

"I'd probably cry." Remus said after a long pose.

"Why are you crying?" Sirius asked sleepily, his eyes closed.

"If you died."

"Oh," Sirius said.

After what felt like hours the lighter haired boy slid down from his sitting position and laid down near his friends feet. And just when he was nearing sleep he heard Sirius wish him a good night.

"'Night, Padfoot..." He mumbled back falling into a dreamless sleep.

_Oh when I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster  
_

Remus never felt so helpless. He had been reading in the empty dorm room when a drunk Sirius stumbled in and just broke down in a way that was so heart breaking.

Sobbing, Sirius sat against the wall and pulled his knees up and held them up to his chest.

Remus watched for a few seconds before speaking.

"Sirius, what's wrong?" He asked going to set beside his friend on the floor.

"Nothing." He replied in a slurred whisper. Remus put an arm around the shacking boy and shushed him.

"That's crap and you know it. What's wrong, Padfoot?"

"I... I know it's stupid... but... I just want my mum to love me. You... you know?" Sirius stammered out, crying and clinging to his knees like it was his only life line.

"Shhh... shhh... I know. I know." Remus whispered, rubbing Sirius' shoulders, trying to calm the boy down.

"No you don't!" Sirius screamed, jumping up. "You don't get it! Your mum... lov... loves you! Your mum ca... cares! And... and... you don't get it!"

Remus calmed his nerves and also stood up. He walked over to Sirius who was screaming that he hated Remus and grabbed him. Grabbed him and held him in a tight hug.

"NO! No! No! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" Sirius screamed, struggling to get free. But Remus said nothing and held on. "She doesn't love me!" Sirius started sobbing over and over again into Remus shoulder.

_His magical myth  
As strong as with I believe  
A tragedy with  
More damage than a soul should see  
And do I try to change him  
So hard not to blame him  
Hold on tight  
Hold on tight  
_

It amazed Remus how Sirius could smile and be happy even when he was so broken inside. He was the only one who could see how amazing Sirius really was. Nobody else new just how scarred he was. No-one who loved him anyway. All the girls wanted him. But they didn't know what it took. How hard it was just as the friend. How to be there all the time, because he might need help at ten in the morning or ten at night. And all the boys wanted to be him. If they knew what it was like then they probably wouldn't. Nobody would go through that just to be handsome.

He was so broken in side. And yet there he was every day, going on. 'Maybe that's why he was a Gryffindor.' Remus thinks to himself. And it didn't surprise him when he learned he loved his best friend.

_Oh cause I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster_

"Moony," Remus heard one night. Pulling open his bed curtains he pretends to be surprised to see Sirius there. "Moony, can I sleep in your bed tonight?"

"Sure. Come on in." Remus said, sliding over and pulling up the blankets so Sirius could get in beside him.

"Thanks, mate." Sirius whispered, smiling at his friend through the darkness.

"No problem. Just don't put your feet on me. Your feet are freezing."

"Oh, you mean like," Sirius said, smirking. Remus suddenly felt something icy cold on his leg. "That?"

Remus yelped. "Yes. Like that."

"Okay. Shant happen again Mr. Moony." Sirius said settling down in Remus' bed.

When Remus was almost asleep he thought he heard Sirius mumbled something.

"Huh?"

"I said, I love you."

"Oh," Remus said, putting his hand on Sirius' arm. "Love you to."

_I'm longing for love and the logical  
But he's only happy hysterical  
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle  
Waited so long  
So long_

The following morning Remus got up he slid out of bed and went to take a shower. When he got back Sirius was still asleep, but everybody else was gone.

"Sirius," Remus said, shacking the boys shoulder. "Sirius, you need to get up."

"Five more minutes, Moony." Sirius mumbled, swatting his hand in the air.

"No. Get up. It's almost time for class."

Nothing. Sirius just kept sleeping. Or pretending to sleep.

"Get up or I shall sit on your back."

"Do what ever you like. I'm not moving."

"Ugh, Fine. See you at lunch." Remus said, turning to leave. But Sirius grabbed his hand.

"I meant what I said, last night."

"So did I."

_He's soft to the touch  
But afraid at the end he breaks  
He's never enough  
And still leaves more than I can take  
Oh cause I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster_

Remus walked the floor of the sixth year boys dorm for hours, waiting for Sirius to come back. Sirius had told him he was going to get something to eat from the kitchens, but that doesn't take five hours to accomplish. He had been doing that a lot lately. Disappearing. Lying. Remus didn't know what was going on. He just couldn't decide why his best friend, the love of his young life, would do something like that.

Sighing a grand sigh of defeat Remus sank down against the wall and held his head in his hands.

"Why... why do you make it so hard to love you, Sirius?"

_And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster_

Later that night Remus was laying in bed, when he heard a crashing sound coming from the door way. He pulled back his curtains and walked over to the door were a drunken Sirius lay flat on his face.

Remus looked at the back of his friends head and wondered for a sickening moment what would happen if he just left him there. Just left him there to pick himself up.

"Wha was tha?" James asked from his bed on the other side of the room.

"Nothing, James. It was just Padfoot. I'll take care of it."

"Let me he-"

"I'll take care of it!"

Remus listened to the sound of his friend settling in before he rolled Sirius over.

"Sirius... what am I going to do with you?" He asked rhetorically to the air around him.

"You could help me up." Sirius slurred, opening up his eyes.

After Remus had set Sirius down on his bed he sat down next his friend.

"Why do you do this to your self?" He asked, his deep remorse showing it self in every word. Sirius tilted his head at Remus and sighed.

"Did... did you ever think... did you ever think about us?"

"I'm always thinking about us."

"That's... that's why."

"That's why what?"

"That's why I'm... I'm drinking." Sirius said, turning over to lay down. He grabbed onto Remus hand and pulled him down to. "It makes me... me forget I'm not... not go... good enough."

"Oh, Sirius," Remus whispered, brushing his friends hair out of his closed eyes. "Your more then good enough. Your more then I'd ever dreamed possible."

But Sirius didn't hear a word. He'd already passed out.

_He's beautiful_

The next day was Saturday so Remus let Sirius sleep till noon. But no later than noon.

"Sirius?"

Nothing.

"Sirius..."

Still nothing.

Remus sat down on his friends legs and shouted, "Sirius!"

"Ow! Moony!" Sirius screamed, wincing at the sudden movement, the volume of Remus' voice, and the volume of his own. "Bloody hell man! That hurts!"

"Ah well. At least your up now." Remus said, leaning over and kissing Sirius' forehead.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." The dark haired fellow mumbled, getting out of bed.

Remus took a deep breath, and calmed himself.

"Sirius," he said in a serious tone of voice, "you said something to me last night. Something I find highly bothersome."

"Yeah? What?"

Remus walked up to the shorter boy and put his arms around his waist. "You said you weren't good enough for me." serious looked away from his companion.

"Yeah. I said that. What of it?"

"I don't think you are. Your more then I ever hoped for." Remus said, smiling. He leaned down and kissed Sirius' check.

"Ugh. Stop being so mushy." Sirius said, grinning up at Remus. But immediately regretted it. "Ow!"

"Here, take this." Remus said disentangling himself from Sirius and grabbing a pain reducing potion.

After taking the liquid from his friend Sirius drowned it in one gulp.

"Ack! Why do they make potions so gross?" Sirius asked, handing the bottle back.

"So you don't do stupid things that make you need the potions." Remus said smartly, with a smirk. Then his smile faded and he looked Sirius again. "But really Padfoot, no more drinking, okay?"

"Yeah. Sure. Okay." Sirius said with a nod. After a few moments of fun Sirius pulled away and stated, "I'm hungry."

"Then lets go to lunch." Remus suggested, walking to the door.

"Race you!" Sirius said with a sly grin, shooting out the door. Remus smiled and ran off after him.

_Such a beautiful disaster_


End file.
